Jealousy in Relationships

Jealousy is a problem that often brings people along to couple therapy because it can affect your relationship in a negative way, especially if the perceived threat is not genuine and your partner is not doing anything to cause the jealousy.

Even the most devoted partner can feel hurt, exhausted, anxious and angry that they’re not trusted. Ultimately, it drains them emotionally.

Jealousy can cause you to experience a range of feelings, from insecurity and suspicion to rejection, fear, anger or anxiety. If you think jealousy might be an issue in your relationship then marriage counselling Ashford may be the answer in addressing it.

What is jealousy?

Jealousy is an emotion that almost all of us will experience at one point or another. Jealousy isn’t really a problem if it comes up from time to time but it is if we don’t get a hold of it. Our relationship counsellors understand that no one enjoys feeling jealous or insecure.  It’s a horrible experience when we allow our jealousy to overpower. That is why understanding where our insecure/jealous feelings come from and learning how to deal with them is key to a happier relationship.

Why do we get jealous?

Unsurprisingly, a number of studies have shown that increased jealousy tends to go hand in hand with a low a self-esteem driven  our ‘critical inner voice’. This inner voice is a well-integrated pattern of destructive thoughts toward ourselves and others. And at the root of much of our self-destructive behaviour. The critical inner voice is not an actual voice of course. It’s best described as self-limiting thoughts and beliefs. They exist in all of us and can stop us from achieving our goals. Many of us are unaware that we have a critical inner voice because it comes so natural to have self-critical thoughts about ourselves.

This isn’t our ‘fault’ it’s about our inner voice fuelling our feelings of jealousy by filling our heads with critical or suspicious commentary. In fact, the reality is; what our critical inner voice tells us about our situation is often more difficult to deal with than the situation itself.  A rejection or betrayal from our romantic partner is painful, but what often hurts us even more are all the terrible things our critical inner voice tells us about ourselves after the event. “You’re such an idiot. Did you really think you could really love you? You are going to end up all alone. You should never trust anyone again.”

Where does our critical inner voice come from?

These negative feelings about ourselves often stem from our early childhood experiences. We tend to take on the feelings our parents or caregivers had toward us or toward themselves. We then, unconsciously, replay, recreate or react to old, familiar dynamics in our current relationships. For example, if we felt cast aside as children, we may easily perceive our partner as ignoring us, or we may choose a partner who’s more elusive, or even engage in behaviours that would push them away.

The extent to which we took on self-critical attitudes as children often shapes how much our critical inner voice will affect us in our adult lives, especially in our relationships. Yet, no matter what our unique experiences may be, we all possess this inner critic to a certain extent.  Most of us can relate to carrying around a feeling that we didn’t want to have. Often, lurking behind any jealous/paranoid feelings towards our partners, or a perceived third-party threat, are critical thoughts toward ourselves. Thoughts such as, ‘What does he see in her?’ can quickly turn into ‘She is so much prettier/thinner/more successful than me!’ Even when our worst fears become a reality and we learn of a partner’s affair, we often react by directing anger at ourselves for being “foolish or unlovable”

What does it tell us?

Our critical inner voice then tells us not to trust or be too vulnerable. It reminds us we are unlovable and unsuitable for a romantic relationship. It’s that nagging voice that plants the seed of doubt, suspicion and uncertainty. “Why is she working so late?” “Why is she choosing her friends over me all the time?” “What is he even doing when I’m away?” “Why is he paying so much attention to what she’s saying?”

These jealous feeling can arise at any point in a relationship. Therefore, in attempt to protect ourselves, we listen to our inner critic and pull back from being close to our partner. It’s catch twenty two though because we tend to feel more insecure if we are not being loving or close in our relationship.  That is why it’s even more essential not to blindly act on jealous feelings by pushing our partner further away.

How can couple counselling help

There are of course times when a gut feeling/suspicions about our partner might be founded. However, it is important to ensure you try and work with evidence as opposed to running away with jealous feelings. Marriage counselling can help you understand your thought process when jealousy strikes. And then subsequent unhelpful behaviour that follows. It will also allow you the time and space to discuss your concerns in an open, calm and honest way. The process will enable them to really listen to and take on board your perspective, because it won’t get lost amongst an angry, critical, accusing outburst.

Our couple counsellors are aware that it’s a basic fact that relationships run smoother when people don’t get overly jealous. Concern over ones relationship is healthy whereas jealousy is a destructive, unhealthy emotion and unhealthy. The more we get a hold of our feelings of jealousy and make sense of them, separate from our partner, the better off we will be. Remember, our jealousy often comes from our own insecurity – a feeling like we are doomed to be deceived, hurt or rejected. Unless we deal with this feeling in ourselves, we are likely to fall victim to feelings of jealousy, distrust or insecurity in any relationship, no matter what the circumstances.

If you would like some help from a relationship counselling therapist on how to understand and manage your own jealousy or perhaps your partner is insecure. Please use the book now button to make book your session