Fear of leaving a relationship

Our couple counsellors at marriage counselling Tonbridge find it’s common for people to be in an unhappy relationship but decide not to end it. This is often through a fear of being lonely or the fear of not meeting anyone else. This is  often one of the reasons that bring people to individual counselling.

The fear of loneliness may be based around issues related to a lack of confidence or a low self-esteem. When someone says they’re scared of being lonely, what they often mean is they are scared of being in their own company. For some people, the thought of having to deal with their own feelings, with no one to distract them, can be scary. They may also worry that they will be unable to look after themselves without anyone there to help.

Our marriage counselling will help you talk through your concerns and help you accept that these feelings will ease over a period of time. Fear may also come from a lack of experience of being single having spent a long period of time in a relationship.

How does this impact our relationship?

The hard truth is; a relationship where one person isn’t truly happy, isn’t a fulfilling relationship for either party. Even though it is common for people to sustain a relationship like this for a number years.

Being in a relationship forces us to be vulnerable, which can be both good and bad. When we’re in a truly intimate relationship with another person, we show them all sides of ourselves.

If one person doesn’t feel the same about the other, or perhaps never did, sooner or later, they are likely to notice. It may come out in less obvious ways such as a lack of physical affection or eye contact. Or perhaps in bigger ways, through arguments perhaps or spending too much time away from home.
So whilst it is possible to try and pretend, it’s unlikely to end well. The usual outcome is a gradual widening of the gap between the two people until, eventually, the relationship completely falls apart.

What is loneliness?

Some important questions we ask a marriage counselling Tonbridge:-

What exactly do you mean by loneliness? Is it a fear of being alone? Or is it not having someone around who understands us?

If it’s the latter, then the irony is, you probably already feel lonely in your relationship, because it isn’t a fulfilling one. Staying with someone to avoid being lonely is the most likely way to make you feel lonely anyway.

The fact remains; the only way to avoid feeling this way is to seek genuine and meaningful connections with other people. If this is not proving possible in your current relationship, making a change is the only way to allow this to happen.

Help to make a change

Our marriage counsellors will help you come to terms with the fact that, whenever a relationship ends, it’s inevitably painful. Even when we are the one who is making the choice to end things. Breaking up with someone is still a form of loss. Therefore, we are likely to experience feelings of grief that goes with that. However, even if making the change is painful,  it’s only by going through this pain are we eventually able to find future happiness.

It’s a good idea to give ourselves some distance between relationships while we figure out what it is we want. If you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, it can be useful to get to know yourself again. This means to focus on what you like doing. What makes you happy along with the things you value and the direction you want your life to take. When you decide that you are ready to meet someone new, you are much more likely to meet someone who has the same values and is more compatible for you.

It’s also important to take time to establish non-romantic relationships. Having a support network is a crucial part of growing and maintaining self-esteem. Spending time with friends and family will remind you that, even if you’re not in a relationship, you’re not alone. Creating new relationships, by joining social activities for example. Or getting in touch with people you haven’t seen for a while, will allow you to develop a sense of independence. This will be an important part of any future healthy romantic relationships going forward.

All of the above is important when it comes to cultivating a healthy mental attitude and sense of self-worth. However, there is no getting away from the fact that being single can still sometimes be lonely. Even when you’re doing all the right things, there might still be occasions when you’ll miss having a partner and although this can be difficult. Importantly, it is does get easier and we do learn to accept it as part of life. One thing we do gain is peace of mind and a sense of being true to ourselves and to our partner.

Relationship counselling

If you would like to talk to one our relationship counsellors about finding the courage to end your relationship. Then please contact marriage counselling Tonbridge or any of our other Relationship Counselling Kent practices today. Request an appointment