Discovering an affair

Finding out that your partner has had an affair is a common reason or people coming to couple counselling Kent.  Whether you are the one who have had the affair or are on the receiving end of your partners infidelity. Both parties will more than likely be in a state of shock and desperate to seek some help with their relationship.

Discovering our partner has been unfaithful can one of the most devastating experiences of our life. Often our initial reaction will be one of shock and anger followed by hurt and despair.

After the initial blow has subsided, it’s important to try and understand exactly why the affair happened in the first place. This will establish if you are both able to move on from it.

Couple Counselling Kent tips:-

• Sit down together so you are able to maintain eye contact. Try to ensure there are no interruptions whilst you have this conversation.
• As hard as it might be. Try to not only talk to your partner but also to really listen, even if you fear the worst.
• Ask your partner to tell you the truth, however painful it might be to hear. You are less likely to recover from the affair if more lies are told or things are left – out only to be found out later.
• Avoid butting in on what your partner is saying. Let him/her finish before responding. You will undoubtedly be shocked and upset, but try not to start shouting or leave the room. You need to hear the full story in order to assess exactly what has happened.

Questions

• Ask questions and try and focus on facts.  How long the affair has lasted? What does your partner want to happen now? The most urgent question many people is “why?” However, sometimes your partner cannot explain this immediately and his/her perspective often changes over time.
• Try and avoid asking questions such as “Were they better in bed than me?” You may want answers to these kind of questions, but it’s better to establish the facts first and ask those questions later. It will be easier to do when feelings are not running as high.
• When angry, it might be tempting to shout, swear and hurl insults at your partner. It also might be difficult not to immediately blame your partner, the other person or yourself, but this often gets in the way of true understanding. Try to resist blaming yourself by questioning whether it was your own short-comings that caused the affair. While you are both responsible for your relationship, you can never be responsible for your partner’s decision/choice to have an affair. An affair can never be the “fault” of a faithful partner.
• Once you have established the facts; if your partner resolves to end the affair and re-commit to your relationship, take time to consider this. It’s important to reflect on whether you are able to forgive the breach of trust and you will not yet have all the information with which to make that decision. Only after talking and establishing the reasons for the affair, will you be able to decide. You might want to say however, that you are willing to work with your partner and try to understand why this has happened.

Take time to reflect

• There are many reasons for affairs and they can happen in happy relationships as well as those where there have been difficulties.  Listen to what your partner is telling you and try not to make assumptions if what she/he tells you doesn’t fit with the views you have always held about affairs.
• The beliefs you may both have held for a long time will be challenged by this experience but couples do often move on from affairs often finding the relationship is stronger than ever. Some don’t of course. Listen and reflect and take time to make a decision that is right for you in the long term.

Further support

For more information about how relationship counselling can help click – Infidelity

If you would like to make an appointment following an affair. Contact us at Relationship Counselling Kent today Request an appointment