--- title: "Mind Reading In Relationships | Relationship Counselling Kent" url: https://relationshipcounsellingkent.co.uk/blog/mind-reading-in-relationships description: "you recall the last time you were confused in your relationship because you couldn’t find an explanation as to why your partner was behaving in a certain way or why they said a particular thing? Or the last time you felt worried that things we" lang: en-GB --- Back to Blog: https://relationshipcounsellingkent.co.uk/blog # Mind Reading In Relationships | Relationship Counselling Kent February 14, 2021 Image: Mind Reading In Relationships | Relationship Counselling Kent (https://rxvhnvwmfwrneowddnji.supabase.co/storage/v1/render/image/public/blog-images/imported/mind-reading-in-relationships.jpg?width=1200&resize=contain&quality=80) ## The Danger of Mind-Reading in Relationships Can you recall the last time you were confused in your relationship because you couldn’t find an explanation as to why your partner was behaving in a certain way or why they said a particular thing? Or the last time you felt worried that things were not going too well because something happened that you saw as a bad sign? Mind-reading in relationships is much more common than you might think and a reason that leads many couples to seek relationship counselling (https://relationshipcounsellingkent.co.uk/blog/can-relationship-counselling-help). In simple terms, mind-reading a habitual thinking pattern characterised by expecting your partner to know what you’re thinking without having to tell them or believing you know what your partner is thinking without them telling you. Maybe you recognise some of these thoughts: _“She has been on her phone texting all evening, I bet she thinks I am boring”_ _“He wasn’t very talkative during dinner, I bet he is thinking of leaving me”_ _“He hasn’t emptied the dishwasher again, he clearly doesn’t care about me”_ _“She hasn’t wanted to have sex with me for ages, maybe she’s seeing someone else”_ In each of these scenarios, there is one piece of information that is clearly missing – the thoughts/motives of our partners. So, we fill in the gaps with what we assume they are thinking and this can be a major problem in relationships. ## The Impact on Relationships In my experience as a relationship therapist (https://relationshipcounsellingkent.co.uk/blog/sian-jones-couple-therapy), I would argue, that a degree mind-reading goes on in all relationships. Which often comes from an innate, human tendency to fill in the gaps around things we don’t fully understand. Unfortunately, however, most of us tend to fill in those gaps with a worst-case scenario. We are also inclined to personalise a situation and ‘make it about us’ as opposed the view that our partner may have their own reasons for doing or not doing something. Reasons which are nothing to do with us. While the impulse to mind read is natural, the consequence can be incredibly harmful to our relationships. Couples end up in arguments over problems that don’t really exist. When we feel hurt or upset based on our mind-reading we tend to attack the character of the person with critical, unhelpful statements. Such as “_you are really selfish, you never think about me!_” Sometimes, people tend to assume the worst-case scenario simply as a defence mechanism to guard against being hurt. However, the impact these beliefs have on our relationship has consequences. Ultimately, it doesn’t ultimately matter if they are true or not. Because if we believe our partner meant to hurt us, even when they truly didn’t, we will still react to them as if they did. So the impact on the relationship is real. ## Take Responsibility Taking responsibility doesn’t mean we are to blame. It means we must challenge ourselves to look for fact and not respond negatively to our partner based on our beliefs. What if we didn’t fill in the gaps with the worst possible version of events? Whatif we made the intentional choice to assume the best about a situation when the information was missing. What if we went a step further? What if we actually asked our partners to tell us what they actually meant by something they did or didn’t do, rather than trying to read their minds? Find a qualified therapist and book your first session (https://relationshipcounsellingkent.co.uk/find-your-therapist) whenever you feel ready. We are all guilty of running conversations with our partner through our heads. Questions sometimes flood our minds as we reflect on what was said. “_What did he mean when he said that? Was he implying that it was my fault?_’ This tendency to over analyse leads to us walking away from interactions only to later decide that something happened that we should be upset by. When we find ourselves reflecting on a conversation, instead of believing that our partner’s comments or actions were meant to hurt us. We can choose to take what they said on face value. And we can choose to assume they did not mean to upset us because they care about us. ### Ask for Clarification If you are hurt by an interaction with your partner, then just be honest. But be responsible for ‘how’ you say it. Starting a sentence with “_I felt upset_” rather than “_you upset me_”. There is nothing wrong with calmly explaining what you have read in to something. But at least allow them the opportunity to clarify what they _actually_ meant before you respond in an upset manner. We want our partners to fully understand us, but it takes more effort on our part to invest the time to make sure we fully understand them. When we feel hurt we can reach out to our partners and ask if they meant to be hurtful. This gives them the chance to tell us what they were thinking when something happened and whether or not it was intentional, accidental or simply an unfortunate misunderstanding. Sometimes, we are short with those closest to us because we feel animosity toward them. However, more often than not (outside of an argument) most people do or say things for their own reasons, not to upset their partner. This doesn’t mean we don’t have every right to tell our partner that something has upset or hurt us. It’s simply an invitation to not automatically assume they were being malicious toward us. Sometimes a text gets missed because it was opened in a meeting and they haven’t had a chance to respond – it doesn’t have to mean we were being intentionally ignored. When we create internal narratives around what another person _must_ have meant without actually asking them to share their intentions or perspective with us. We run the risk of wasting valuable, emotional energy being upset over something that is largely a creation of our own imagination. ## A More Honest Way Forward So, if you are looking for a more happy and healthy relationship, the best solution is to leave behind the mind-reading behind. And instead choose to utilise, one of the simplest, but sometimes hardest to execute powers in our relationships – open and honest communication (https://relationshipcounsellingkent.co.uk/blog/effectivecommunication-within-relationships-couple-therapy). If you would like some professional help (https://relationshipcounsellingkent.co.uk/blog/the-benefits-of-online-relationship-counselling) in how develop more open and honest communication in your relationship – please contact us now **Request an appointment** Ready to talk about mind reading in relationships | relationship counselling kent? Browse qualified, vetted therapists, see real-time availability, and book your first session in minutes - online or in-person. Find your therapist → (https://relationshipcounsellingkent.co.uk/find-your-therapist) No waiting lists · BACP & UKCP registered therapists · Confidential Share: Share on Twitter (https://twitter.com/intent/tweet?url=https%3A%2F%2Frelationshipcounsellingkent.co.uk%2Fblog%2Fmind-reading-in-relationships&text=Mind%20Reading%20In%20Relationships%20%7C%20Relationship%20Counselling%20Kent)Share on Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/sharer/sharer.php?u=https%3A%2F%2Frelationshipcounsellingkent.co.uk%2Fblog%2Fmind-reading-in-relationships)Share on LinkedIn (https://www.linkedin.com/shareArticle?mini=true&url=https%3A%2F%2Frelationshipcounsellingkent.co.uk%2Fblog%2Fmind-reading-in-relationships&title=Mind%20Reading%20In%20Relationships%20%7C%20Relationship%20Counselling%20Kent) ## More Articles Image: couple with hats on smiling at eachother (https://rxvhnvwmfwrneowddnji.supabase.co/storage/v1/render/image/public/blog-images/52dd6d51-d763-43c8-8cde-50c9c9658ddd/occ-marriage-older-happier-zl5zot.webp?width=1200&resize=contain&quality=80) September 28, 2026 ### What a Marriage Counsellor is Really For (https://relationshipcounsellingkent.co.uk/blog/what-a-marriage-counsellor) The term ‘marriage counsellor’ often brings to mind images of last-ditch efforts and crisis talks. But what if their role isn't just about saving relationships, but about strengthening them for the long haul? More and more couples are discovering the value of proactive support. Read Article: https://relationshipcounsellingkent.co.uk/blog/what-a-marriage-counsellor Image: Two pairs of hands pulling a colourful knotted rope on a wooden table outdoors. (https://rxvhnvwmfwrneowddnji.supabase.co/storage/v1/render/image/public/blog-images/weve-tried-talking-why-isnt-it-working-9z3wry.png?width=1200&resize=contain&quality=80) September 26, 2026 ### We've Tried Talking. Why Isn't It Working? (https://relationshipcounsellingkent.co.uk/blog/weve-tried-talking-why-isnt-it-working) You’ve had the same conversation a hundred times, but nothing changes. If you’re wondering what relationship therapy can offer that you haven’t already tried, the answer might surprise you. Read Article: https://relationshipcounsellingkent.co.uk/blog/weve-tried-talking-why-isnt-it-working Image: Coloured ropes lie on a garden path leading to a sunlit stone archway and lush hydrangeas. (https://rxvhnvwmfwrneowddnji.supabase.co/storage/v1/render/image/public/blog-images/what-does-a-relationships-counsellor-2sp3st.png?width=1200&resize=contain&quality=80) September 26, 2026 ### What Does a Relationships Counsellor Actually Do? (https://relationshipcounsellingkent.co.uk/blog/what-does-a-relationships-counsellor) Someone has finally said the word ‘counselling’ out loud, and now it’s hanging in the air. But what does a relationships counsellor in Kent really do? We’ll look past the myths to show you how it works in practice. Read Article: https://relationshipcounsellingkent.co.uk/blog/what-does-a-relationships-counsellor ### We value your privacy We use cookies to enhance your browsing experience, serve personalised ads or content, and analyse our traffic. By clicking "Accept All", you consent to our use of cookies. Read our Privacy Policy (https://relationshipcounsellingkent.co.uk/privacy) for more information. ## Structured data ```json [ { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@type": "FAQPage", "mainEntity": [ { "@type": "Question", "name": "How much does couples counselling cost in Kent?", "acceptedAnswer": { "@type": "Answer", "text": "Couples counselling is £80 for a 60-minute session. Individual relationship counselling is £68 for a 60-minute session. Online and face-to-face sessions cost the same." } }, { "@type": "Question", "name": "How long is each session?", "acceptedAnswer": { "@type": "Answer", "text": "Every session is a full 60 minutes." } }, { "@type": "Question", "name": "Do we need to commit to a set number of sessions?", "acceptedAnswer": { "@type": "Answer", "text": "No. The number and frequency of sessions vary. Some couples attend for a small number of focused sessions, while others choose longer-term support. 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